Truly.

And how, when we really think about it, could it not be worth going for it?

Sit with me, for just a second. Close your eyes, if you dare, and really:

What would it truly look like to live your dream life? Feel it with me. It’s tactility, possibility, warmth.

The richness of it, the full-lunged air, the sweet stickiness caught up between your teeth. Savour it with me, for just a moment. Truly let it fill up the cavity of your chest.

And let’s pause, count to 10. Be here, with me, and with it.

The weight, and possibility, and ample bosom of: your dreams.

And after all that, answer for me again: How could it not be worth going all in? How could it not be worth going for it?

That moment, it is finally here, it has come for me.

Am I willing to do it? Trade my current singular abundancy: exit options, for: access to everything more and everything else.

I’m finally ready for it. I’m going all in.

This week and month is a flood with me burning my boats. I’m going to figure this thing out, or deal with some very messy trenches in the name of trying.

And, while we love the theoretical and metaphor, this is neither of those things. I am tangibly and practically throwing away everything I have worked for, cultivated for, lusted after until it was got. I am tossing it all out into the ocean in order to leap towards something greater.

I am openning up my hands, and extending out to the universe that which has held and helped me the past many years. I extend my palms up to the sky in utter gratitude. Thankyou. I release back to you what was freely given to me. I allow others to step into the places and opportunities I once so desperately needed. I trust myself and the world and the sky and its many provisions; as I take the next step into what is calling to me.

So here we go; babes, angels, and besties: We’re shooting ON LOCATION this week and in the middle of a massive life transition. Holyyyyyyy.

Also: the crush update is… positive.

Thanks for reading and listening and cheering and joining.

Here’s to releasing our exits and backup plans and hesitations, all in the name of and honour for what we want most, what lies ahead, and what our hearts are drawing us towards.

Prefer listening on spotify? 💕

xoxo

Artwork:

Vase of Flowers

Artist

Jan Davidsz de Heem

Date

ca. 1660

and i feel terrible.

the irony is that i had a week of successes, culminating in my first (small) breakout video. (FUCKING SLAY).

following that i felt bad, missed all my goals and deadlines, then proceeded to feel worse.

so, that’s what this episode is about.

i know it’s just real and part of the process. and honestly, sitting here typing this, i’m already feeling a bit better having spoken it all aloud.

but yeah. holyshit.

Art Information:

Woman with a Parrot

Gustave Courbet French

1866

prefer listening on spotify?

How? It’s time to turn the intensity way the fuck up. It feels like it’s been training wheels mode so far, and I’m not saying I have full confidence yet… but I am saying: I ready to see what I can do when I really let it rip.

So, consider this my receipts. I want something to be a marker in time, so that when I pull this off, I can have something to point back to and be like: see? I fucking called it. This is how i did it, you can do it too.

This episode covers:

• rebuilding after a public career collapse

• the “dream job” that turned into golden handcuffs

• entrepreneurship, ambition, and being told to play small

• why posting online felt genuinely terrifying

• the four-month creative stall before I started

• creator fear, social media growth, and short-form strategy

• the 3-month sprint I’m using to hit 100K

I’m so excited to see how all of this unfolds. Ready to run with me? Leave a comment below, and let’s fucking get this. 🖤

Timestamps:

00:00 — What This Project Actually Is

• clarifying the show’s identity

• branding, “corporate pink lesbian girlboss” aesthetic

• defining the podcast as an anonymous audio diary

01:00 — Career Collapse + Rebuild Arc

• having the “dream job”

• public downfall and social fallout

• rebuilding life from zero

• realizing traditional employment wasn’t aligned

05:50 — Entrepreneurship + Playing Small

• “capital D Dream” vs socially acceptable dreams

• entrepreneurship culture and discouragement

• wanting to build something meaningful

• women/femmes/queer ambition being framed as selfish

10:00 — Why Posting Online Felt Terrifying

• nervous-system panic around visibility

• feeling physically unsafe posting online

• the four-month stall before starting

12:00 — Unsupportive Relationships + Fear

• limiting beliefs from inner circle

• breakup + social boundary shifts

• needing encouragement instead of amplified fear

18:00 — The Creative Accountability Club

• weekly creator calls

• accountability + momentum

• realizing action mattered more than preparation

20:00 — Why the Anonymous Project Exists

• wanting a real-time founder diary

• frustration with polished success stories

• documenting the beginning honestly

• anonymous podcast vs face-forward brand

24:00 — Fear Dissolving Through Action

• posting consistently reducing fear

• finding confidence through repetition

• realizing the project helps other people too

25:00 — Shorts Strategy + First Growth

• adding short-form distribution

• first viral-ish clips

• strangers discovering the project

• dislikes, unfollows, and growth spikes

29:00 — Sustainable Creativity vs Sprinting

• creative accountability partner differences

• sustainable pace vs intense scaling

• deciding to pursue aggressive growth

32:00 — Platform Strategy Breakdown

• YouTube as the “crown jewel”

• TikTok algorithm thoughts

• Instagram unexpectedly outperforming

• promotional/distribution strategy

37:00 — Recalibration + Emotional Slump

• burnout, procrastination, apartment/workflow reset

• “we rest, we don’t quit”

• listening to motivational creator podcasts

39:00 — Compressing Timelines

• audacious goal-setting

• aggressive creator growth mindset

• deciding to fully commit

41:00 — The 100K Goal Announcement

• publicly declaring the goal: 100K subscribers by August 21st

• current metrics and starting point

• belief, experimentation, and momentum

46:00 — Creator Systems + Boundaries

• avoiding Instagram DMs

• production scheduling

• weekly systems and structure

49:00 — The 3-Month Growth Plan

• long-form as top priority

• 2 long-form videos/week

• 2 short-form posts/day

• additional promotional content

• viral attempts + content pyramid

57:00 — Carousel + Storytelling Strategy

• multi-format storytelling

• image/text posts

• platform-specific experimentation

1:00:00+ — Scheduling + Creator Infrastructure

• Meta Business Suite chaos

• workflow systems

• scaling content production sustainably-ish lol

HOTGIRL HOMEWORK 🪽

angels, rise up.

On offer this week, we have a stand alone recommendation. I know, bold.

It deserves to stand on its own, I’d recommend just popping this thing on repeat, and listening it through at least twice. UGH. It’s, just, the exact voice i needed in my ear this week, this year, this lifetime.

If you are drowning in a sea of: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE SMALL AND BE “REASONABLE”!”

Firstly, fuck them. Secondly, I’m cheering for you bb.

THIRDLY, LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE. IT WILL HEAL YOU. I PROMISE. <3

The Florence Given Show, ‘How to set goals so audacious that it turns you on’

thankyou Florence! you are a legend. truly.

that’s it for this week! thankYOU for listening. truly.

it is a complete honour to share this wild journey with you, and i am SO excited to report back on this whole thing to you.

if i’ve hyped you up enough to have you join me, please let me know! let’s FULL SEND on our dreams this summer!! literally, what on earth do we have to lose? 🖤

ilyguys xx

prefer listening on spotify? i’ve got you.

featured art in the episode:

Diana and Actaeon (Diana Surprised in Her Bath)

Camille Corot French, 1836

Woman with Red Hair

Albert Herter, 1900’s

That feels like no time at all, and so much time. Mainly bc, SO MUCH HAS FREAKING HAPPENED.

i’m genuinely starting to feel like a different person in the midst of this. and the whiplash of elation and ice-block-inducing fear is subsiding (for now), weird. and in its wake… I’ve been left with,

grief?

So yeah, we’re talking that as well as: loneliness, unsupportive people, creator culture, internet gatekeeping, and what happens psychologically when your life starts changing for real.

we also cover some little things for you 👜:
– getting over a thousand views on my first try at shorts
– crossing 5,000 YouTube views
– why I think most creator advice is… problematic? 🙈🫥
– how building online in public is LITERALLY changing my social circles
– and the slap in the face: attention is not neutral.

weekly art feature:

apparently this painting (which was made by a woman), is a self portrait that she made, put in a box, and gave to her lover. damn. i feel like we should bring this back?… very punk rock in a regal idgaf kinda way. wow.

goals.

Beauty Revealed

Sarah Goodridge,1828

HOTGIRL HOMEWORK 🪽

angels rise up.

This episode is just… one of the best i’ve listened to in a veryyyyy long time. god.

it’s video too, and guys, normally video podcasts feel like such a waste of time, this one wasn’t. put it on, wash your dishes, and get ready to sign up for the revolution. Kate and Davina — thankyou. 🖤

I really think identity work IS the move to doing something different with your life. WHO you see yourself to be is the direction you’ll go in. this episode has some incredible tips to embody that in life. which, we LOVE. no vague notions.

action. please!

This episode I’m GETTING INTO it.

Obviously, we’ll be discussing exactly how I achieved this impressive first milestone metric. But we’re also chatting, how exactly…. to become: THAT GIRL.

We all know the one. She’s the alter-ego reading this substack right now. She’s the one who sees and believes there’s got to be another way to make her dreams possible.

If you feel this way, firstly, me too.

Secondly: WELCOME. you are the people I am writing for xx

episode description:

Six weeks ago, I was completely paralyzed by fear.

Now? I’ve gone from zero to over 1K monthly viewers. My channel is growing, strangers are finding my work, opportunities are appearing out of nowhere, and for the first time in a long time, building my dream life actually feels… good.

In this episode, we talk about:

• why “going around the mountain” is often smarter than fighting gatekeepers head-on

• the emotional reality of starting a creative career online from zero

• optimism as rebellion in an algorithmically cynical world

• YouTube growth metrics, early traction, and what the numbers actually mean

• the psychology of identity change

• why generosity creates momentum

• the 100 rejection letter project

• and the exact moment I realized this project might really work.

Also: Spotify roasted me for having zero listeners.

&&& someone I deeply admire found my work this week… and reposted it ♡

Yeah. juicy

We need to talk.

HOTGIRL HOMEWORK 💌🪽

angels, rise up.

CHANI Nicholas, the astrology of the week ahead, May 11th 2026

guys. this one is a banger. if you want to get into your own power and rage, please. listen.

The Youtube Formula, by Derral Eves

We’ve talked this book before on the podcast, it’s GENUINELY been sooooo helpful towards building up the beginning of my platform. Like, it has genuinely saved me , probably around a year of trial and error. Get over the cringe, pull out your notebook, and just listen. It’s (unfortunately) worth it. Promise.

Prefer listening on Spotify? 💋

We’ve got you.

xx.

it’s not giving fearless. it’s giving:

• avoidance

• spiraling

• pushing things to tomorrow (again)

• and lowkey feeling like your life might implode if you actually follow through

this bonus episode is a real-time voice note from the edge of doing the thing —
before it’s posted, before the confidence kicks in, while the fear is still loud.

we get into:

• the procrastination loops that look rational but aren’t

• the physical anxiety of being seen (and still choosing it)

• the weird, painful reality of people not supporting you how you expected

• and the shift from abandoning yourself… to actually backing yourself

also: something surprising is happening.

limiting beliefs that used to feel permanent?
they’re… not hitting the same.

and that changes everything.

this one is raw, a little emotional, and honestly kind of a turning point.

if you’ve been circling something you know you need to do —
this is your sign to stop waiting and meet yourself in the middle.

HOTGIRL HOMEWORK 💌🪽

angels, riseUP!

Our girl, our icon, our internet bestie, the woman who showed us all what’s possible when you bet on yourself, and how GOOD it feels to do it (plus everything else of the inbetweens).

Caroline— if you’re reading this (which gag me if that’s the case)—THANKYOU!

Your videos have truly been a beacon of shining light to the hotmess that has been my twenties. You sharing your story online has truly given me the confidence to bet on myself, and do the same 💗

When I exist in these moments, I truly pinch myself and am like: how LUCKY are we to be living in this era?!

Gush over, would highly recommend her entire library. If you can’t find some irl people to cheer you and your dreams on (which you will eventually, promise), you can just put her channel on loop and know that she’s in your corner, and I am too xx

Her video this week: I love.

Caroline Winkler: 56 Brutal Life Lessons in 15 minutes

Subscribe now

🩷 bye.

In this episode, I’m breaking down the exact strategy I’m using to go from zero audience, zero momentum, and zero revenue to a $100K+ online business in 12 months — in real time.

This is not a “get rich quick” fantasy. It’s a raw, behind-the-scenes look at what it actually takes to build something from nothing:

• the numbers

• the platforms

• the uncomfortable decisions

• and the moments where it feels like I might be completely screwing up my life

We get into:

• The content strategy I’m betting on (and why I’m prioritizing YouTube over everything else)

• How I’m turning content into multiple income streams (ads, brand deals, digital products, and more)

• The real math behind reaching $100K+ (and what most people get wrong)

• Why I’m forcing myself to make one “bold ask” every week — and what happened when I got ignored

• My unfiltered thoughts on cancel culture vs. “tear-down culture”

• The psychological shift from “I’m different” to “I need to play the game to win”

• And… the slightly unhinged backup plan that could potentially 2–3x my income if everything goes sideways

This episode is part strategy, part therapy session, part live experiment.

If you’ve ever thought about:

• starting an online business

• building a personal brand

• making money from content

• or just getting out of the system and doing your own thing

…this is for you.

I’m not teaching from the finish line.
I’m documenting from the beginning.

And we’re seeing if this actually works.

HOTGIRL HOMEWORK 🪽

angels, rise up.

the book i referenced in this episode: HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

ohmygod. i am not kidding when i say this book revolutionized my entire life. it is the HOLY GRAIL (agnostically, of course) of a life-transformation. (once again, the marketing and intro of this book are a bit…… not on brand. babe, just look past it. trust.)

i’ve read it multiple times, will probably be doing another re-read of it soon tbh.

Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss

prefer listening on spotify? we’ve got you

🩷that’s all for this week. can’t wait to talk to you all soon xx

numbers. projections. timelines. a clear look at what building something like this could actually turn into.

and we do get there.

but first — something else happened.

over the past few days, i started noticing a pattern in how people in my life were reacting to this project. small comments. offhand questions. a certain tone.

nothing extreme on its own. but stacked together, it started to feel like something much bigger.

like maybe we weren’t seeing the same reality anymore.

this episode is a real-time processing of that moment — the confusion, the frustration, the sadness, and the shift that follows.

we talk about:

• what support actually feels like (and what it doesn’t)

• why some people can’t see what you’re building yet

• the emotional cost of taking yourself seriously before anyone else does

• and the numbers — the actual, grounded math behind what this could become

this is a messy one. but it’s honest.

and i have a feeling it’s an important one, but right now? everything is just really tender.

still going. 💌

I remembered what it feels like to have a dream.

I realized it’s time for me to start approaching life from a completely different angle.

I’m moving away from optimizing everything - my time, my habits, my image. Instead, I’m trying to build something rooted in resiliency, honesty, and heart.

It’s been a wild process.

The wins are already stacking up, which is honestly blowing my mind. I feel grateful… and deeply impatient for what’s next.

This week we’re talking about what it’s been like to:

• start a youtube channel from zero

• sit with the discomfort of being seen

• stop letting insecurity dictate what gets shared

• why unlocking a new identity is the secret to taking action towards change

• experience the very surreal moment of strangers connecting with something real (my mind is still spinning over this one)

• a BIG metric update: we’ve officially arrived at 24 subscribers!! 🥹

That’s all for week 3.

The ambition is growing, the fear is loosening its grip.

HOTGIRL HOMEWORK 🪽💕

tune in and rise up angels!

(this one is SO good and really unlocked some mindset stuff for me, trust. the title is a litttttllleeeee off from the best parts of the episode!)

also… just a tiny aside:

I bled through a white cotton thong while making this episode for you guys 💀 so…. what’s your excuse?

if you prefer to listen on Spotify, we’ve got you xx

I wake up early.
I film confidently.
I edit efficiently.
I hit publish and feel proud, accomplished, and calm.

That is not what happened.

This week was the week everything went live — my first real video, my first proper attempt at showing up as a creative online in the way I’ve been thinking about for years.

And it felt like absolute chaos.

I procrastinated all week.
I negotiated with myself for hours just to leave the house.
I almost had a panic attack filming in public.
I spent 24 hours editing one video.

And somehow… I felt worse after doing the scary thing than before.

Which no one really talks about.

We hear “just take action” all the time, but no one explains that sometimes action feels like:

• shaking hands

• spiraling thoughts

• wanting to quit mid-way through

• and being absolutely convinced you’re not cut out for it

At one point, I sat down and wrote out every limiting belief that was coming up.

Not the polished ones — the real ones.

“I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t deserve success.”
“If people see me, they’ll tear me down.”
“I should be embarrassed for even trying.”

And the wildest part?

They didn’t feel unique. They felt… familiar. Like something a lot of us are quietly carrying.

But something shifted this week too.

Instead of trying to eliminate the fear, I tried something else:

cringe chasing.

Not “avoid the cringe.”
Not “push through the cringe.”

Go toward it. On purpose.

And it worked.

Not because it made things easy — it didn’t.
But because it made things possible.

By the time I hit publish, something flipped.

All the fear that showed up during filming and editing? Gone.
Replaced with excitement. Energy. Momentum.

Like — oh.
This is what I’ve been trying to get to.

And now that I’m here, I don’t want to stop.

✨ If you’re in a phase where you’re overthinking, procrastinating, or waiting until you feel “ready”…

This is your reminder:

You don’t need to feel ready.
You just need to be willing to be a little cringe.

If this resonated, subscribe — I’m documenting this whole journey in real time, from 0% up.

💌 HOTGIRL HOMEWORK

– The Diary of a CEO
This episode is so worth it — ignore the chaotic clickbait title and trust me on this.
If you want to skip ahead to the part that changed how I think about insecurity + fear, start around 28:45.

Watch:

Listen:

– Kelsey Rodriguez
I’ve been loving her content on building and scaling a creative career.
This goal-setting video in particular really stuck with me.

Watch:

Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@KelseyRodriguez

ily guys. see you next week! xx 💕🪽

i went to a party where i knew no one and left with a crush, a collaborator, and a completely different mindset.

i didn’t plan to record tonight.

i got home late, my voice is still kind of wrecked, my kitchen table was (once again) covered in everything except podcast gear… and i almost told myself i’d do this tomorrow.

but then i kept thinking about how different today felt from yesterday.

yesterday, i recorded the first episode and talked about loneliness, insecurity, and how weird it feels to start something from absolutely nothing.

today… i went to a party where i knew almost no one.
and somehow, just by being a little more honest about what i’m doing (and not apologizing for it), everything shifted.

i left with:
– a potential creative collaborator (!!)
– a community project i might get to be part of
– a very unexpected, very exciting crush situation
– and honestly… a completely different perspective on whether this whole thing might actually work

this bonus episode is me processing all of that in real time.

we talk about:
– what happens when you actually say your dreams out loud
– dating while building something uncertain (and the emotional rollercoaster of that)
– the weird confidence that comes after you do the scary thing
– and also… the very real insecurity of putting yourself on camera when you don’t feel like your “best” self

it’s messy. it’s a little unhinged. it’s very midnight-in-my-kitchen (duh girl, bc that’s literally where we are right now!!)

but i think this might be the energy that actually moves things forward.

if you’re building something, or even just thinking about it quietly in your head—this one’s for you. grab your jar of pickles, lean over your kitchen sink, and let’s get into it.

prefer listening on spotify? ↓
Bonus Episode 01 💕🪽

🩷

like… really early.

this is week one of building something from zero.
no audience, no traction, no safety net—just a mic, an idea, and a slightly unhinged level of commitment to figuring it out in real time.

i thought the hard part would be strategy.
or consistency.
or figuring out how to make money online.

it’s not.

the hardest part so far?

how weirdly lonely it is to decide you want something different.

i expected this to be scary.

i didn’t expect it to feel… isolating.

telling people
“i’m going all in on building something for myself”

has not gone how i thought it would.

some people get quiet.
some people get awkward.
some people immediately pivot to
“okay but what about a real job?”

and some people—this one surprised me—
kind of root for you to fail.

not in a dramatic way.

just little comments like
“we’ll see how long that lasts”

which… hits.

i keep thinking about this:

everyone is taking risks with their life.
most people just aren’t choosing them.

a “safe” job is a risk.
staying stuck is a risk.
not trying is a risk.

so if everything is uncertain anyway…

why not choose the risks that actually lead somewhere you want to go?

okay—this part surprised me.

i went into this week expecting everything to feel overwhelming.
far away.
borderline impossible.

but it didn’t.

it actually feels… doable.

like—
building an audience? doable.
making money from it? not instant, but real.
a creative life? not a fantasy.

at one point i realized:

you don’t need millions of people.
you need a small number of the right people.

that shifted something for me.

and then there’s this moment.

where you can see the vision clearly.
you understand the path.
you believe it’s possible.

…but you’re still at zero.

that gap?

it’s loud.

it’s overwhelming.
it’s exciting.
it’s a little suffocating.

and i think that’s where i am right now.

i couldn’t find what i needed, so i’m making it.

i don’t want polished success stories.
or “how i made it” retrospectives.
or vague advice from people already on the other side.

i want the play-by-play.

so that’s what this is.

week by week:
what worked
what didn’t
what i’m trying next
and how it actually feels

no filter. no pretending.

right now, the goal is simple.

build something sustainable.
make money from creative work.
stay consistent long enough to see what happens.

long term?

a life that feels like mine.

flexible.
self-directed.
not dependent on someone else deciding if it’s “useful” or not.

if you’re here, you probably feel it too.

that sense that
there has to be another way to live.

but also
holy shit, what if this doesn’t work?

so here’s the deal.

we’re doing it anyway.

messy.
uncertain.
in public.

if nothing else, this is a place to not feel crazy while doing it.

welcome to the ground floor.

let’s see what happens.

📓 week one notes

wins:
– actually started (!!!)
– did research on monetization + content strategy
– proved to myself this is possible

challenges:
– unexpected loneliness
– lack of support from people i thought would get it
– oscillating between “this is amazing” and “what am i doing”

next week:
– get everything fully live (if you’re reading this… we did it 😌)
– build a clearer content plan
– start creating with intention (not panic)

prefer listening on spotify? ↓
Episode 01 💕🪽

🩷